remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
