This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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