you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
