Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
