i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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