wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
