areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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