some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
