Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
