I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
