So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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