What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have already put on my inside pants.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
