We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
