I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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