Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
