I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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