Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
