I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
