I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
