oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
