And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
