i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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