i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
