the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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