just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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