my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
