I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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