She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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