Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
