So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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