Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
