birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You ruined the universe
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
