Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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