I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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