Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
