last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
