Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
