So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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