my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
