Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
