Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
and you fell through a lawn chair
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
