i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
