woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Send help, water and tortillas.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
