Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
