hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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