Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
