im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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