i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
