i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I want to fling myself into the sun
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
