Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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