fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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