my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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