On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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